The Sacramento Police Blotter Files: Episode 1– Suspicious Subject

 

The following is a fictional account based on a true story:

It was approximately 8 pm when he hung up his phone on the first cold day in Sacramento. He shivered, not from the cool weather, but the coldness in his now ex-girlfriend’s voice when she told him they were through.  He was sad, but mostly relieved.

Just then, he got a text from his buddy.

Hey, man. Wht ru up 2?

He paused for a second and texted hastily.

Not good, bro.  Meet me at the bar?

He was already halfway there on foot, so he wouldn’t take his car. Plus, the last thing he needed right now was a DUI. When he arrived, his friend Bo was waiting for him at the bar with a rum and coke.

“Just what the doctor ordered,” said Bo, sliding the drink to him.

And never had a rum and coke tasted as good as it did right then. When he would think about his time at the bar later, he would wonder how many of them he actually consumed. At the time though, he didn’t care.

“Sheena dumped me,” he told Bo. And he didn’t have to say much after that, not that he would have remembered. He and Bo don’t need words to communicate, they just had an understanding. He liked that about Bo.

The rest of the night was a blur. Until he got to his apartment. The light was on, which he thought was strange because he remembered turning it off earlier on account of the SMUD bill he recently got in the mail.

As he fumbled with his keys, he saw movement from the inside. This also caused him pause. Mostly because he lived alone.

He dropped his keys out of shock and bent down to pick them up. When he stood up, he was staring into a pair of greenish eyes. He dropped his keys again. This time instead of bending to pick them up, he tried at the door.

“Let me in! What are you doing? Get out of my apartment!” he yelled. Though because of his state, it probably sounded more like, “Garrrghhh, wharrrrr doiiinnnnn!!”

He couldn’t be certain how long he was outside of his apartment, but it was long enough for him to vomit into a potted plant and pee on the bushes. It was then that, even in his drunken state, he realized his apartment didn’t have any potted plants.  And this was not his apartment at all.

As he yelled inside to the intruder rightful occupier of the apartment, “Sorrrrr diindddt blarrrgggg,” he noticed he wasn’t alone outside of his someone else’s residence.

“Sir, put your hands up where we can see them.”

****

Open Cattle Call

I AM SINGLE AVAILABLE, WILLING AND READY TO MEET AND MINGLE AND HAVE LOTS OF FUN.

32 yo black male 6’3″ 231lbs who finds you very attractive. So why don’t you give me a message and I’ll get back.

You couldn’t PAY us to be on the receiving end of the corresponding email for this post.

When you go to the Davis co-op, you expect a certain level of crazy.

I saw you at the co-op today, 10/13/12. Around 5:30. You were blonde, short, cute. Wearing some kind of yoga pants. They were tight, black and looked to be made out of some elastic material. I think that’s what yoga pants are.

I’m a tall, brown-haired, wearing grey shirt with khakis rolled up to my knees. I probably had a helmet on. I was just locking up my bike. You were on your way out of the store to your bike.

We said “hi” to each other. You caught me practicing a character. I’m sure I seemed like a crazy person, talking to myself in that voice. But then, maybe you didn’t hear; I was talking pretty softly. I don’t know if you smiled because you saw me, or because you heard me talking to myself and felt like taking pity on the weird guy mumbling about a polarbear named “Pookie.”

If it was you, respond to this and I’ll buy you a cup of tea. We can talk about Victorian poetry. Or whatever.

But he’s pretty coo coo for organic gluten-free vegan fair trade cocoa puffs.

Swing and a Miss [A Reader Submission and a Call to Action]

Last week, we got an email from Amie L. asking for our help. She told us that she met a very cute guy while she was on BART last weekend and is afraid she missed her connection. Not knowing where else to turn, she thought of us! We are thrilled to hear this because a) it means that more than just our moms read the blog, and b) we get a chance to do something nice for a change (don’t worry, we won’t make a habit of it).

We know what you’re thinking: Isn’t BART in San Francisco?  First of all, aren’t you so smart? But before you get your “I Heart Sacramento” panties in a twist, Amie L. does, in fact, have a connection to Sacramento. You see, she just moved to Oakland from Sacramento a few months ago, and we know she misses Sacramento terribly (we may have taken some liberties with the “terribly” part). We hope that by helping her make this connection, it will help her remember Sacramento with the fondness it deserves (we also took liberties with the “deserves” part).

Here is Amie L.’s missed connection:

 BART Baseball Boy (9/28/12) w4m (East Bay)

You were with your friends on BART, headed to the A’s game. You let me get on in front of you, since I had a bag. When you later realized I was getting off on the same stop, you suggested I join you at the game. Offered me a ticket and a beer. I said no because I had to catch a flight. You asked again, and I laughed and said I would, but I really had to get to the airport. 0 for 1 on that date, but I wouldn’t let that pitch go by again!

-Swing and a Miss

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

Here’s how you can help our friend Amie L. This post is exclusive to Sacramento is For Lovers, so please do Amie L. a solid by sharing this link for all of your Nor Cal friends to see. For obvious reasons, she’d like to keep her missed connection as far away from Craigslist as possible. We understand completely. Let’s see what we can do!

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Do you have a strange/funny/cute/amusing real life missed connection you want to share, like Amie L. and Alison K? Submit it to sacramentoisforloversblog@gmail.com and if it’s strange/funny/cute/amusing enough, it might be featured. Don’t hold your breath.