The dog and the little bitch.

Picture 93

You licked my fingers –m4w– 35 (Folsom)

… you reached out and began licking my fingers. It was disgusting and adorable. I began making kissing noises and fawning over you; scratching your ears, patting your head…

Me: excitable, clean-cut, blue jacket. Typically a cat person.

You: small and compact, with black and white fur and ears that stuck out.

We’ll let you decide who is the little bitch and who is the dog in this situation.

We suddenly understand that one Paula Abdul song.

Picture 52

I was the blonde in the white corvette, I almost hit you. You were walking your pitbull and I forgot to look up from my espresso when I saw you begin to run! Sorry! I thought you were cute though! Sorry for the scare! Get at me if ya want to teach me some driving lessons, my car goes fast!

Straight up now tell me do you really want to love me forever? Or am I caught it a hit and run?

The [un]Professional.

don't take that job...

Hey, you aced the interview. You had no reason to be nervous, you were fantastic. I thought you were beautiful and I admit it wasn’t easy to focus. I’d love to hang out! This feel [sic] like a long shot, but if you catch this then get back to me with the only question you asked me.😉

Turns out, they were both looking for a job. But the job he wants has nothing to do with employment.

The Sacramento Police Blotter Files: Gone, Doggy Gone.

The following is a fictional imagining of the events surrounding this police report. Any resemblance to people, places or creatures is purely coincidental:


It all started a few days ago when he shot the neighbor’s dog. He would later tell himself that it was spontaneous, but it wasn’t. See, that neighbor’s dog had been driving him crazy for months, maybe even years. It had been so long, he didn’t even remember what it was like to not wake up to that blasted dog’s incessant barking.

And then it happened. Somehow that mangy mutt got out of its backyard and into his. And there was his chance, just staring him in the face. But the dog wasn’t barking at all. It was just sitting there. Staring at him.

So he left to get his shotgun. If the dog was still there when he got back, he would take his shot.

When he returned, the dog was still there, waiting. He cocked his gun and raised it to his eye, pointing it at the docile dog.

And that dog just kept staring, like it didn’t even care that it was about to die.

He lowered his gun.

“Is that what you want, old boy? You want me to do it?”

And the dog blinked as if to acquiesce. The man and dog looked at each other for a while. It was a look that transcended time, space and species.


The dog crumbled to the ground.

Within minutes, the police arrived, having heard reports of a gun being fired. When they found the man, he still had the gun in his hand.

Everyone asked him why he did it. They assumed it was because the dog was on his property. He wasn’t so sure.

All he knew was that the dog wasn’t barking anymore. And they were both free.

The Sacramento Police Blotter Files: the human purse.

The two victims were walking among other friends when 5 suspects approached them. The suspects grabbed a purse from one of the victims and physically assaulted a male subject with her.

Either the cop who wrote this meant to say “it” when to referring to the purse, or that purse is going to be really sore tomorrow.